Prologue

Update: If you are unfamiliar with Heidi's sickness and death due to Strep A Toxic Shock Syndrome, that is chronicled here at her Caring Bridge site. 

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My journey through 2023 and the loss of my sister Heidi is my own, and in whatever way I express it I will fall short of the eloquence of Kevin, and so too will the depth of my grief. Heidi was my dear older sister, my friend, and a fount of wisdom on so many matters - not least of all the spiritual life - whom I will miss tremendously for the rest of my life, but she was not my other half nor the mother of my children. 

If there is a grief on earth deeper than losing your beloved spouse at the pinnacle of your shared life, your many children left to raise and decades of life ahead to enjoy, I do not know what it might be. We walk this road with Kevin, but in reality he is alone with God and all our good intentions fail to provide the one thing for which he longs: Heidi. 

Pondering my own experience of the abundance of grace in the midst of the acute horror of January is my initial aim in these posts. I've wanted to begin this for over a month now, but as soon as I sit down to write, words fail and I become afraid it will be an injustice. I ask for mercy if I sound trite at times. I realize that I can only use the tools I have to describe what was, and as I stare into that mystery my tools feel very rudimentary.