4 Months Gone

Mother's Day 2023 coincides with the 4 month anniversary of Heidi's death. I'm not Kevin nor her children, so I don't claim this to be a particularly hard anniversary for me in a vacuum, and yet knowing that it will be for them makes it hard for me. I have to recall a previous post about God's grace for me being mine alone, & trusting that the Father will provide the grace they need. But grace doesn't free my heart from being united to theirs in love, it simply frees me from the fear that God may not provide for them as He provides for me. What foolishness! Surely He is providing even more abundantly to those whose bonds to Heidi are deepest.  

I've never lost someone as close to me as Heidi. Notice I can't even add "was" or "is" at the end of that sentence; I'm not sure how to relate to her. Is our relationship a "was" or an "is"? I have felt so close to saints, particularly St. Catherine of Siena, so I assumed that Heidi and I would love each other in a different, distant but more-perfected way after her passing from death to Life. I do not doubt that last word. She LIVES. Interesting, as I typed that, the I was an O, and perhaps that's even more perfectly true: she LOVES. Perfect unity with Christ, she is now united to Love Himself. I could pause there and contemplate that for a while.

But I digress. I miss her. I don't feel her presence. I don't sense her prodding me on. In fact, quite the opposite, the nightmares have begun. After her death - the most agonizing day of my life (this is not hyperbole) - I collapsed in bed and told Mark he needed to pray against future nightmares - I knew they would come. They held off for longer than I expected, but now they have begun. I lived in a blessed and confusing state of absolute numbness to grief/sadness for months, but that season has worn off, and I find myself in a state of perpetual sadness & exhaustion, always a blink away from tears.  She is gone. Silent. 

...but is she? There have been some noteworthy moments that have buoyed me up. I'm going to go out on a limb and share a Facebook message I got a couple months ago. This is the only one of its kind that I've received, but it kindled in me a spark of hope that perhaps God's work in this story is not yet finished. I will quickly add that my hope is not based in that; my hope is in God Himself, but as Ephesians states, He has promised us more than we can ask or imagine (a verse that Heidi was obsessed with as a young adult). 

Betsy, 

my name is CA and I am from [redacted]. This is the first time I have ever reached out to a stranger through messenger or social media. In January I came across the Go Fund Me page that your sister, Heidi’s brother-in-law created for her and her family. I often see Go Fund Me pages, but this is the first one I felt compelled to donate to. It broke my heart that this young mother died from strep and septic shock. This is such a rare cause of death today and my heart broke for her and her family. Fast forward to one week ago today: my wonderful older sister, H, was admitted into the hospital in complete septic shock. By the time she made it to the ER, she was in the active stages of dying; her blood pressure was 70/40 and she was beginning organ failure. Blood work came back that this was because of strep. She is a school teacher so we are assuming she got it from a student. Strep is rampant in our area right now. The only symptom that she had before she went into septic shock was a high fever. She went to her physician two days before and she was tested for the flu and Covid but those tests came back negative. Her doctor told her that it probably was just a viral infection that would have to run its course. She never had any type of strep symptoms, so a strep test was not performed. Two days later, my sister was in the biggest fight for her life. I am grateful to say that she is starting to heal and she is doing better. She is still in ICU, she is still in a lot of pain, but all of her organs or showing signs of significant improvement.  

Her lungs still have fluid in them, but her breathing is much better; she only uses a BiPAP now at night, and is on a regular cannula oxygen during the day.  

I’m reaching out to you today to tell you my story and to let you know that I prayed to your sister often this past week. I believe that there are no coincidences when it comes to prayer. I believe God let me hear about your sister’s story and her fight so I would have a Saint in heaven praying for my sister. Please know that I truly believe Heidi’s intercessory prayers are a huge reason why my sister is still here. Also. please know that I am praying for your family as you all navigate through this agonizing grief. And I will forever be so incredibly grateful for your amazing SAINT in heaven who helped my sister. , CA

(I reached out a few weeks on, and her sister was on the extremely long road to recovery, but home. Praise God!)

Lastly, I have to add, I know Heidi thought my obsession with Jettas was hilarious. It seems the farther on I travel from her death, the more the Jetta population explodes. Is it possible that 1:20 cars on the road is a Jetta? It appears that way to me. I can imagine her laughing with Jesus about this little inside joke.