The Days of Remembering

Here we are, in the days of remembering. 

By now you must know the story; if not, you can find it here, so I don't feel the need to re-chronicle anything. Of course there is so much more to the story that hasn't been shared that we store in our hearts, but it's not for today. 

What I actually want to write about that has been on my heart for the last weeks, is my own perspective of what I found tremendously helpful as people reached out with offers of help. Our home was the epicenter of activity during those weeks, so I had a center-stage view & it taught me a lot about how to best offer help to those experiencing trauma, upheaval, and grief.

Of course this is personality-specific, and no doubt the more introverted & self-sufficient one is, the less any offer of help might appeal, but it is simply reality that between nursing my baby and hers, loving on 12 children, sitting at Heidi's bedside, and hosting all the extended family that arrived in town amidst my own trauma, I simply could not do it all. Help was my lifeline...particularly because cooking and hosting are not my natural gifts!

So, here we go. What follows is my list of recommendations if you have a loved one that you would like to help:

1. Pray for inspiration. The Holy Spirit knows what they need even better than themselves! 

2. Offer very specifically first, and in such a manner that conveys that you expect to assist them unless they flatly refuse, rather than inquiring of their need. Save general offers of help for after you’ve mentioned specifics.

Why? Because people experiencing trauma have zero brain space for thinking of things like, "I'm out of milk, my laundry is piling up, the kids are bored" followed by figuring out if you're the right person to meet any of those needs. If you offer generic help it will likely be ignored. Here are examples of how to offer well:

    Ex 1: "I'm going to Costco tomorrow, I will plan on getting you some grocery staples. Do you have any specific items you'd like? Or, if you don't need groceries, is there another way I can help?”

     Note: once offered, unless they decline your request for groceries entirely, please follow through. Throwing in a non-perishable treat, gift, beer/wine, is a wonderful unexpected pick-me-up, but if you only have a budget for staples, extras won't be missed.

    Ex 2: "I would like to come over and clean your bathrooms. Does (mention a few days/times) or another time work?" If you don't need help with that are there other needs you have, housework or otherwise?”

    Ex 3: "I'm thinking of taking my kids to the playground tomorrow at 11. Can I swing by and pick up yours? If not 11, is there a better time?" 

    Note: you should only offer help with children if you're a previously well-known & trusted person. If you've never met or only peripherally, this is inappropriate.

    Ex 4: (for nearby neighbors) "I see you've been hosting a lot of people; we have extra room in our trash bins if you need to throw some bags in ours to avoid collection fees."

    Note: our neighbors were incredible and soooo generous in this and other ways!

3. Don't be afraid to go out on a limb and simply drop off whatever is on your heart, but expect to leave it on the porch & send a text that it's there; if you get a quick hug when you ring the bell, that's a bonus. 

Did we end up with a Costco-quantity of paper products? Yes. Was it both incredibly helpful and good for a much-needed laugh? Yes! 

I have multiple stories of exactly the right item(s) showing up unannounced and unrequested, at exactly the right time. Those are some of my favorite moments of seeing Divine Providence at work and even as I think of them it brings tears of gratitude to my eyes.

    Note: Please be mindful and moderate in your generosity if it's directly to a traumatized spouse/parent. At our home many hands made light work of sorting larger donations and all were greatly appreciated!!! but if there's only 1 adult, it may be overwhelming.

4. Don't be offended if you don't receive a personal thank you. This is an opportunity for you to be an unsung hero, and simply trust that the person is incredibly grateful and will remember your generosity for the rest of their life.

5. If months have gone by and you want to send a note that you're still thinking of them and praying for them, but aren't sure if it's "too late.” Send it! Some of the most cherished notes I received came later when I most needed the words that people still cared.

6. If you're not close enough to help in-person, consider grocery delivery, order a meal for delivery on their meal train (or offer to start a meal train), pray and let them know specifics or how you have/will pray, share their story if it's public so others can follow and pray, send gift cards/venmo etc.

7. One last suggestion that's a negative suggestion: Unless they are specifically asking for prayer requests that they may pray for in their suffering, please don't ask freshly-traumatized people to pray for other traumatized people you know or have just heard about. As Catholics we have a beautiful theology of suffering that includes offering our suffering for others. However, I found that being a lightning rod of prayer requests for others "in your same situation" made the world seem very dark, it made our trauma feel insignificant (just another sob story), and it came across as a little tone-deaf/callous from those making the requests.

    Note: A year on, I do feel like I would welcome the opportunity to join in prayer for those in "the same situation" knowing first and foremost that there is no same situation, but also that I can now join my experience of suffering with others from a point of some needed healing.

I hope this list was helpful to someone, somewhere. I do love reading your comments, so please free free to share thoughts, questions, clarifications, or simply reminders that you are holding us in prayer - most especially Kevin and their children - in these days of remembering. God bless you!